Shamay's Healing Journey Vol.1: Self-talk
I can remember being very critical of myself from a very early age. I grew up thinking my father abandoned me (not the truth, but a story for another time) and as a result, I started developing a belief system that I was unlovable. Unfortunately, these thoughts were reinforced by my mother who was in active addiction.
She abandoned me regularly in my teens
Mom would kick me out of the house repeatedly. So, most of the “getting kicked out” happened in her early recovery. She was newly sober and decided to start keeping rules and boundaries where there had never been any before. At 14-years-old, I couldn't figure out that she really was going to stand by her rules and there would be consequences to my actions. The combination of her getting overwhelmed with early recovery and my rebellious nature was a perfect storm. Thus, I found myself homeless for most of my teens. (FYI, I believe, though I am not responsible for what happened to me as a child, I am responsible for my healing as an adult) My internal dialog started developing and went something like…”How can I be lovable when my own father left me and my mother won't let me come home”.
Due to my belief system and critical self-talk, I would act out in ways that would fulfill a pattern of self-neglect for the next 20 years
I started changing the patterns when I became willing to investigate the "merry-go-round" of my screwed-up behaviors. I was concerned with everyone else but myself. I would do behaviors that hurt me physically—ie, smoke, drink, take drugs just to help forget how unlovable I really was.
The turning point came when I became “sick and tired of being sick and tired”
Oh, I forgot to mention that I thought I had all the answers and was very hardheaded. I guess I was scared to admit that I needed help. My first point of action was to stop directly killing myself with drugs and ask for help. I surrendered and took some suggestions from others who had had the same struggles and not only overcame them but were thriving—building dream lives! I started taking care of myself and surrounded myself with others who were doing the same.
I realized I had surrounded myself with women who loved me dearly and only wanted the best for me: mind, body, and spirit
I found insight by quieting the mind. I started changing my internal dialog. I started and continue a self-care routine. I'm not perfect, but most days I do not entertain critical self-talk, treat myself badly or let others treat me badly either.
Self-care is a practice, and, in my experience, best results are when it's done on a regular
I do many positive self-care practices today. It has been a 16 + year journey to find what works best for me and my particular manifestation of unhealthy thinking. I have assisted friends, family, my patients, and others to start on a self-care path also. It's simple but takes hard work, and anyone can do it if I can. --Shamay